April Fool!

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(Tom Toles, once great Washington Post Bezos Bugle)

BREAKING: Romney Drops Out of Race

Well-lubricated weathervane Willard "Etch-a-Sketch" Romney has announced today that he is dropping out of the race for the Rethuglican presidential nomination. Here's the statement issued by his campaign headquarters:

"Today I am announcing, regretfully, that I am leaving the race for the Republican nomination for President. I am doing so based on the advice of my medical advisers, who believe that continuing to change my convictions and personality to please whatever audience I'm speaking to will result in permanent multiple personality disorder. In addition, my financial advisers have cautioned me that my continuous shape-shifting may result in having my balls placed in a permanent blind trust (ed.- "truss?").

"I have agreed to return to Bain Capital, where I will resume my career as a venture (ed.- "vulture?") capitalist, swooping in on failing companies and reaping enormous profits from other peoples' misery. (God, I love firing people!) Cheerio!"

UPDATE: The Romney campaign just announced that "Etch-a-Sketch" Willard has changed his position and will continue in the race for the Rethuglican presidential nomination. No one is shocked.

McAncient On "Memories Tour"

Rethug presumptive nominee Sen. John McAncient (aka McBush, McSame) is on a "memories tour" of significant spots in his life. His tour will include stops in New Orleans (where he "fit the British" in 1814), Gettysburg (1863), San Juan Hill (1898), and Bastogne (1944, where he earned his nickname "Walnuts!" ). McAncient has been greeted by his usual crowds that have averaged in the 80's (both in age and numbers).