The Decider's Diary

Well, my numbers are down to 28%, not that I care about polls. I'm the Decider! That's my job and it's hard work! I am having an identity crisis, sorta. See, I'm wondering if I should be the Decider, the Action Officer, or the Commander Guy. My base wants "Strong Man" or "Dictator," but those might be a little harsh. Let me know what you think... and I'll do what I want to do anyway (heh, heh -- just a little jab for any Defeatocrats reading this).

I still have to figure out who'll be my War Czar (hey, that's not bad -- maybe I can be the Czar Czar?!). That guy with the big, empty head... Gingrich... thinks red tape in Washington is the biggest obstacle to winning in Iraq. I quote, "The problem is not broad strategy and policy, it's that the bureaucracy is so inefficient..." End of quotation. That Newtie, he's a card! Heh, heh.

Did you see me and Laura on "American Idol?" That got us a lot of points with the twins. I don't watch it anymore now that Sanjaya fella is gone. I liked him and his funny hairdos! I overheard Mitch McConnell telling Lindsay Graham that he wanted to make Sanjaya his bitch. I don't know what that means, but I'm sure it's wholesome fun even though it sounds kinda weird!

Well, I gotta get ready for the Queen tonight, take a bath, be on my best behavior. I hear she was a little offended that last time I saw her over in England when I tried out a "pull my finger" joke on her. I can't believe she hadn't heard of those jokes before! Anyway, I told her that was my Weapon of Mass Destruction! Heh, heh! Then she pulled a Poppy and vomited! Oh well, at least my base understands me!

The Hapless Mr. Hadley

The Bush Assministration's comical search for a "War Czar" continues. Several top candidates have turned the position down, including former Marine Corps General Jack Sheehan, who said that "the fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going." In today's New York Times, it's disclosed that Bushie National Security Advisor Stephen J. Hadley is in charge of recruiting the Czar. The task of War Czar would, as the Times says, "ordinarily fall to Hadley himself," but it appears the slippery Mr. Hadley wants to outsource that thankless role to someone else. Hadley, who was a Washington lawyer before joining Condi "Ment" Rice's crack National Security Council team, has no military experience and is an odd choice to be the recruiting officer. Then again, his bosses, Commander Codpiece and Five Deferment Dick probably wouldn't do much better. The Daily Show's John Oliver had a good summary of the situation a couple of weeks ago, which still holds today.

Still Wanted: War Czar!

It's Day 13 and counting since the White House let it slip that the Bush Assministration was looking for an Iraq/Afghanistan "war czar" to function as, er, Commander-in-Chief. To date, 5 generals and an assorted number of chimneysweeps, sanitary engineers and chicken pluckers have declined the job. Even this guy wanted to make a go at it, but he's too... two-dimensional. So we'd like to help the process along by suggesting an eminently qualified multi-dimensional Bushie, who may soon need employment: none other than 'Berto Gonzales! Think about it - with his executive abilities, his mastery of legal issues relating to detainees and, most importantly, his unquestioning loyalty to the Preznit, 'Berto would be the ideal fit! Remember you saw it here first - Czar 'Berto the Forgetful!

Help Wanted: War Czar (Rummy, Socks, "Dumb Doug" Feith Need Not Apply)

According to an article by Peter Baker and Thomas Ricks in today's WaPo, Preznit Moe wants to appoint a "high-powered czar to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan with authority to issue directions to the Pentagon, the State Department and other agencies..." Exsqueeze us, but isn't that the Preznit's job?

Anyway, it seems there are no takers out of three generals asked so far. Says Marine Gen. Jack Sheehan (ret.), one of the unwilling,

"The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going...So rather than go over there, develop an ulcer and eventually leave, I said 'No, thanks.'"

Sheehan's frustration also stems from his belief that Cheney and his neocon dead-enders remain more influential than the pragmatists looking for the exit door. More optimistically, we see this as an opportunity for the military expertise of Wee Willie Kristol, R. Emmett Tyrell, Field Marshal Hannity, or one of the other neocon chickenhawks to be utilized! The Preznit and Dead Eye Dick await your application!