Today's Questionnaire (Be Careful How You Answer!)

 

McSweeney's Wendi Aarons and Devorah Blachor have a questionnaire that will help the Trump regime decide how to spend federal tax dollars.  There are 16 questions in all;  here are the first five:

1. It’s important to me that my money supports…
a) public television
b) national parks
c) irrigation for the Mar-a-Lago golf course

2. In this era of climate crisis, the government must invest more in…
a) green and renewable energy
b) electric and solar-powered vehicles
c) plastic straws

3. My priorities, as a taxpayer, include…
a) investment in our public schools
b) availability of scholarships for higher education
c) providing government subsidies for the world’s wealthiest, smartest, and most virile man, Elon Musk

4. Infrastructure, to me, means…
a) fixing our roads and highways
b) improving public transportation
c) pouring millions of taxpayer dollars into the Trump family hotels, resorts, and properties

5. Government grants for the arts are essential because…
a) art enriches our lives
b) art increases our ability to have empathy for one another
c) art should create flattering portraits of our leaders, not like the one in Colorado, which was so unfair and distorted, and the work of the radical left...

The key to the answers is as follows (cheating is approved since this questionnaire is about Trump):

If you answered mostly A’s and B’s: You’re now on our treason list, and you might be detained at any time.

If you answered mostly C’s: Congratulations, you’re now head of the IRS.

American history has moved from tragedy and farce in record time.

QOTD -- No Accountability? No Problem!

 

"What were you thinking, Liz? You quit being prime minister of the UK just because you were a colossal failure? Where’s the logic in that?

"In a REAL Democracy, like the one we have here in the United States, right-wing leaders NEVER resign under any circumstances, even if they’ve been caught failing, cheating, or treasoning. In fact, especially when they’re caught treasoning.

"Seriously, though, we here at the GOP have had politicians who have paid sex traffickers, enabled and covered up sexual abuse, abused girlfriends and wives, lied about election results, incited insurrection, confirmed an accused rapist to the Supreme Court, elected and defended a self-proclaimed sexual abuser and accused rapist to the Presidency, defrauded Medicare, trafficked human beings to Martha’s Vineyard, fled to Cancun during a time of crisis, and blamed wildfires on Jewish space Lasers.

"And honestly, that’s just a very partial list." --  satirist Devorah Blachor, writing in McSweeney's. As with our QOTD yesterday from Alexandra Petri, Blachor nails the reality of today's Christofascist Republican Party, its rotted out "leaders," and its credulous base/ low-information voters.  Another great piece of satirical writing worth a read in its entirety.

Your "Lizzo Playing James Madison's Flute Outrage Template"

 

 

We've noted the triggering effect that superstar Lizzo's playing of James Madison's crystal flute has caused in the professional right- wing outrage machine.

Now, Devorah Blachor has the ultimate "Template for White People Outraged Over Lizzo Playing James Madison's Flute" in McSweeney's (re-printed in full): 

I can’t believe they let Lizzo [play a flute owned by James Madison / twerk even though she’s not skinny / continue to exist as a Black woman].

I found this event [triggering / in violation of my need to only ever see thin white women on my timeline]. As someone who spends a fair bit of time yammering on about our nation’s heritage, it deeply offends me that [Lizzo seems to care about our nation’s heritage / a Black woman is now the Librarian of Congress].

Clearly this horrible event was a form of racial retribution. I know this because I believe life is a zero-sum game where [there are only winners and losers / only white people should put their lips on white people flutes / Lizzo should be as sad and lonely as my white nationalist substack subscribers].

Some people saw Lizzo playing James Madison’s flute and thought, Gee, what a nice thing that any normal person can enjoy. But this is the wrong reaction. Whenever anything happens in the world involving a prominent Black person, the correct thing to do is [immediately make it about myself / have a knee-jerk reaction I will never honestly explore / interpret it through my precious and lucrative lens of white grievance].

I don’t care if Lizzo is a [classically trained musician / popular and beloved artist / cultural icon]. Those things don’t matter to me, because when I look at Lizzo perform, all I can ever see is her [skin color / gender / body size], the three things that matter most to me when I judge a woman.

Speaking of which, what is a woman? Having given this question an unhealthy and inappropriate amount of thought, a woman is someone who should be [a virgin until she is married to a man / forced to give birth against her will / white if aquatic]. A woman is not someone who should [feel entitled to dress the way they want / dance the way they want / behave in ways that don’t please me personally].

I am absolutely qualified to make judgments on Lizzo’s performance, musical talent, and clothing choices because my only talent is [whining about white victimhood / obsessing about trans kids / podcasting about the scientific validity of Black mermaids].

James Madison is one of our most venerated forefathers, and in my anger over this Lizzo abomination, I’ve never once stopped to consider that President Madison [owned slaves / believed women didn’t deserve the right to vote / never once played his crystal flute]. And now that I’ve learned about the existence of this crystal flute, it seems very important to me that it should remain hidden away, just like [women who don’t conform to a Barbie standard of beauty / honest historical accounts about slavery and its enduring legacy / the truth behind my knee-jerk disgust response to Lizzo].

There are those who might take this event as an opportunity to celebrate the fact that Lizzo [actually cares about American history enough to tour the Library of Congress / is bringing welcome attention to the Library of Congress’s collection / is a multitalented artist and musician using her fame and powers for the good]. Me? I’m taking this opportunity to [embarrass myself, yet again, on Twitter / expose myself, yet again, as a petty and pathetic human being / enrich myself, yet again, off the dollars of people who still believe Trump “drained the swamp”].

At her Washington DC concert, Lizzo thanked the Library of Congress for preserving our history. She sparked international interest in its archival collection and inspired band kids everywhere to play their instruments with pride. What a sad episode for anyone who cares about this country. In fact, I feel quite ill. In a minute, I’m going to need [some smelling salts / to write yet another think piece about the catastrophe of wokeness / my comfort Confederate flag].

The Library of Congress should never allow someone like Lizzo to touch their archival instruments again. And that’s because [these instruments, which I’ve never given a thought to before today, are very important to me / Lizzo living her best life is something that makes me really mad / when I talk about our “heritage,” this is just code for “white people”]

The extent to which racist submorons in this country will find something for their little brains to get fried about is truly amazing.

(Photo: If this causes your sphincter to tighten, you might be a racist/ Shawn Miller, Library of Congress)