Lord Mittens Bows Out

Former 2012 Rethuglican candidate for President and defender of the one percent Willard "Lord Mittens" Romney has notified his closest supporters (i.e., hedge fund managers and other tycoons) in a phone call that he won't be running for President in 2016.  Lord Mittens has been flirting with allowing the peons people of America another chance to vote for him for the past month or so, despite having rejected the idea earlier last year.  Of course, Lady Ann Mittens will have to set aside her plans for redoing the White House, installing a car elevator and building servants' quarters on the South Lawn.  Lord Mittens' announcement opens the way for fellow plutocrat and House of Bush heir John Ellis "J.E.B." Bush to claim the deep pockets crowd that Lord Mittens had courted.

Lord Mittens passed up deranged Rep. Steve "Cantaloupe Calves" King's wingnut Hate-a-palooza last week, where most of the nutzoid wannabes disparaged Lord Mittens to some degree, the most pointed being orange-faced toupee stand Donald "Rump" Trump's calling Lord Mittens "a loser" who "choked" in the election.  Yes, he was a loser who choked, but he provided endless amusement as he tried to "Etch-A-Sketch" his way into the White House, despite being caught dismissing "47%" of the people as moochers.  Ironically, Lord Mittens lost the election, garnering only 47.2% of the popular vote.