It's the Second Annual Hackwhackers Awards!!

Here it is that time of year again! First, a "Happy Anniversary" to Hackwhackers! And now without further ado, here are your award winners for 2007:

Hack(s) of the Year

To Neocons everywhere (Wee Willie, Kraphammer, "Porno 'Stache" Bolton, Pudhoretz, Fred Barnes, etc.). To refer to this assortment of chickenhawks and crackpots as "conservative" turns the common understanding of the word on its (pin)head. These were consistently the most radical ninnies, willing to shed American blood at the drop of a bomb, er, hat, especially if it served the interests of the war party in Israel (the neocon Likud). If any one of these loons ever served in the uniform of the United States, we're waiting to hear about it. Yet they are the first to call for bombing Iran, denying intelligence findings when it doesn't suit their agenda of preemptive wars, supporting the misguided catastrophe in Iraq with ever-changing rationales, and generally being morally bankrupt, physically cowardly and intellectually dishonest.

Runners Up

To all things Fox News, last year's winner who drops to runner up by virtue of the fact that they're losing viewers (octogenarian white folks dropping dead), and are therefore becoming even less relevant than ever. O'Really? Hannity, Cavuto...zzzz. (BTW, how's that Fox Bidness Channel coming along?) And...

To the "main stream" media (stellar lights like Tweety, Timmeh, Fred Hiatt, "Less Is" Mo Dowd, etc.), with particular attention to the turdsqueezers covering the '08 election season. Your ill-disguised motivation to savage whoever is leading in the polls in order to keep the race "interesting", your collective desire to boil down the race into a beauty/ popularity contest, and your timidity in challenging Dumbya's many questionable statements and actions, all more than qualify you as Hacks Extraordinaire. We're certain you'll keep up the bad work.

Dishonorable Mentions

To Division II and III of the neocon blathersphere (Pammy Jugs, Doughy Pantload, Wiener Savage, ad nauseum), the even-dimmer bulbs of the right, who dive for their pop-guns whenever a flea farts. How we doin' on finding Osama Bin Laden? Maybe we should get evil-doer-tracker OJ on the trail (psst...hint: he's not in Iraq).

Tin Ear Award

To Rep. John "Man Tan" Boehner (Rethug-OH), House minority leader, who announced an effort this year to "re-brand" the Republican Party. We offered several ideas to Boner, including use of the graphic in the "Sunday Happiness" item below, but got no response. That was before the Larry "Wide Stance" Craig episode, 'Berto's resignation, Mukasy's waterboarding dumb act(?), the destruction of the CIA tapes, Congressional Rethugs continuing to give Dumbya a free hand in Iraq, two vetos of the SCHIP bill, etc., etc. So we'd like to update our branding suggestions to include the motto: "We screwed you, now we're screwed."

Circular Firing Squad

To Hucksterbee, Rudy Toot Tooty, and Willard "Muff/Mousse/Flip Flop Mitt," who are finding, in Willard's immortal imagery, that the Rebunglecan Party is, indeed, a "STOOL," and each of these nimrods is busy sawing off one or more of the legs in order to get the others to fall. May all of you somehow end up grasping said stool as the grand prize!

Golden Drool Cup

To David "The Dean" Broder, who... someone wake Broder up to get his award... to David Br... oh never mind.

STFU Advisories

To the Democratic front-runners in particular, try not to give the Rethugs too much video to use next fall, ok?