After watching the roll call of states at the Democratic National Convention, historian Kevin Kruse offered up his vision of a roll call at the upcoming Republican National Convention. It's worth posting in toto:
Looking forward to the GOP roll call:
ALABAMA: Roy Moore, legally standing a hundred feet outside a mall
ALASKA: Hunters lighting up caribou with AK-47s
ARIZONA: Joe Arpaio licking a taser
ARKANSAS: Tom Cotton smashing a bottle on a bar, daring the camera to fight...— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
AMERICAN SAMOA: [delegates barred because Trump insists they're a Girl Scout cookie]
CALIFORNIA: Devin Nunes' cow
COLORADO: A can of room temperature Coors Light
CONNECTICUT: Lou Dobbs for some reason
DELAWARE: Biden's long-form birth certificate
DC: A canister of tear gas— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
FLORIDA: Ron DeSantis in a hazmat suit he somehow has on inside-out
GEORGIA: Brian Kemp holding a lit stick of dynamite
GUAM: [delegates barred because Trump hates Wrigley's]
HAWAII: A local official insisting it's actually part of America until the microphone is cut off— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
IDAHO: A tray of burnt French fries
ILLINOIS: Rod Blagojevich with an auctioneer's gavel
INDIANA: Bobby Knight, talking to an empty chair, screaming at an empty chair, kicking the living shit out of an empty chair
IOWA: A corn-dog cannon from the State Fair— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
KANSAS: Kris Kobach and his list of very real cases of voter fraud that he can't seem to find
KENTUCKY: Mitch McConn-BOOOOOOOO!
LOUISIANA: LSU Coach Ed Orgeron running through a tackling dummy with Joe Biden's face taped to it
MAINE: Susan Collins' slight disappointment— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
MARYLAND: The defense lawyer from "The Wire"
MASSACHUSETTS: Sully and White Pete outside a Dunkin, what the hell you lookin' at
MICHIGAN: A middle-aged Kid Rock, getting winded halfway through "Bawitdaba"
MINNESOTA: Michele Bachmann, that's right, America, Michele Bachmann!— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
MISSISSIPPI: A Confederate monument come to life
MISSOURI: The St. Louis gun couple
MONTANA: Greg Gianforte in a luchador mask
NEBRASKA: Ben Sasse, slowly edging out of the camera frame
NEVADA: [NSFW story recounted in Michael Cohen's book]— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
NEW HAMPSHIRE: [postponed due to bad weather]
NEW JERSEY: Chris Christie, directing traffic in Fort Lee
NEW MEXICO: Someone insisting that "the wall should have been to the south, please, sir, we're Americans, please"— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
NEW YORK: The hosts of "Fox & Friends," but Kilmeade has somehow caught his head in a blender
NORTH CAROLINA: The Duke Blue Devil mascot slapping the floor
OHIO: Jim Jordan in an OSU wrestling singlet
OKLAHOMA: A pile of slurry next to a fracking device— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
(Apologies for leaving a state out)
NORTH DAKOTA: A guy dramatically coughing on the elderly Wal-Mart greeter who asked him to wear a mask— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
OREGON: Cliven Bundy, barricaded in Malheur again for some reason
PENNSYLVANIA: Just a paper sign that says "Wharton"
PUERTO RICO: A fresh roll of Bounty paper towels
RHODE ISLAND: Calamari, again
SOUTH CAROLINA: Lindsey Graham debating Lindsey Graham about Trump's character— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
SOUTH DAKOTA: Kristi Noem, sandblasting Trump's face onto Mt. Rushmore
TENNESSEE: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha
TEXAS: Ted Cruz, attacking his own wife and father
UTAH: A battered piñata of Mitt Romney
VERMONT: A guy with a Bernie Sanders cutout screaming "socialism" over and over— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
VIRGINIA: A torchlight parade in Charlottesville
WASHINGTON: [stricken from the roll call after a long argument with the president about how he doesn't live there]
WEST VIRGINIA: A lump of beautiful, clean coal!— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
WISCONSIN: The ghost of Joe McCarthy, even though he too is a little skeeved out by all this
WYOMING: The guy Dick Cheney shot in the face, introduced by the gun that shot him— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) August 19, 2020
1 comment:
Brilliant! The real thing won't be half as good as this.
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