USA Today's Rex Huppke has the Malignant Loser's "For Sale" ad:
FOR SALE: One used Republican presidential candidate. $454 million, firm.
Don’t miss out on this great opportunity to own a Republican presidential candidate!
Donald Trump is a used, one-term former president in peak mental and physical condition – many say they’ve never seen a former president so fit – who would prove an asset to any buyer seeking political influence, substantial tax breaks or an opportunity to undermine western democracy.
To date, this presidential candidate has never been wrong about anything and has done everything – from managing his businesses to calling foreign leaders seeking dirt on his political rivals – perfectly.
Experience includes: Being the best Republican president in American history, even better than Abraham Lincoln; forging close, admiring relationships with notorious dictators; and almost-successfully overthrowing a RIGGED presidential election.
This one-of-a-kind, pristine Trump model comes complete with legions of authoritarian-curious supporters who are easily convinced to trade their money for cheap red hats and unkept promises, as well as an array of New York real-estate assets the candidate very much does not want the state to seize to pay for a recent $454 million business fraud judgment.
The candidate is skilled at bankruptcy and has extensive experience selling: steaks, vodka, mortgages, board games, ice, a university, himself, plane flights and a magazine.
Seller is highly motivated and will include all of the candidate’s family members, his impressive portfolio of 90-plus criminal indictments, a $50 gift certificate good on purchases of $1,000 or more at his Mar-a-Lago resort gift shop in Florida, one random box of classified government documents and a free autographed copy of his best-selling book “The Art of the Deal” ($1 million shipping and handling not included).
Please note, the candidate is missing: morals, scruples, a basic sense of human decency, the ability to think outside one’s self, empathy, remorse, a moral center, loyalty, coherent thoughts and an understanding of how laws work.
Serious inquiries only, foreign bidders welcome. Sale must be completed by Monday, March 25.
Please contact: John Barron, 1-800-LUV-MAGA.
You could think of this as a Fire Sale, but you could also make the argument that it's a Fyre Sale.
(Photo: via Shutterstock)
