Santa Responds To Christmas Song Requests

 

We have an excerpt of Tom Smyth's "Santa Responds To Christmas Song Requests" from over at McSweeney's.  With radio channels playing Christmas songs round-the-clock, Santa has a chance to give his opinion for once:

“White Christmas”
I don’t control the weather.

“Santa Baby”
First of all, don’t call me “baby.” I’m happily married to Mrs. Claus, famously. Second of all, are you out of your goddamn mind? Let me get this straight, you’re asking for a ‘54 convertible in light blue, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, and a duplex? And as if that’s not enough, you’re just outright asking for me to sign a check as well? Whatever happened to rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums? In any case, this is all moot after your request for a sable, because wearing real fur puts you right on the naughty list. PETA’s angry enough about the reindeer, I don’t need them throwing paint on me, too.

“All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)”
This falls under the Tooth Fairy’s jurisdiction. But why is your sister Susie sitting on a thistle?

 “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”
A pair of Hopalong boots? Okay, sure. But a pistol that shoots?!? I stopped giving children guns years ago. You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Janice and Jen can count on their dolls that’ll talk and go for a walk, though. As for the snarky parents who can hardly wait for school to start again, I don’t like your attitude.  [snip]

“All I Want For Christmas Is You”
Though Mariah Carey is essentially my business partner, her hit song “All I Want for Christmas Is You” has unleashed a barrage of unreasonable demands. Now, every year, new pop stars release their own songs about wanting a man for Christmas. Let me be clear, I cannot deliver human beings. That’s called sex trafficking, and it is a crime. “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande, “My Only Wish (This Year)” by Britney Spears, and “Santa, Can’t You Hear Me” by Kelly Clarkson are just a few examples of famous singers wanting me to kidnap and deliver men to them, and I simply will do no such thing. Not again...

There's more good cheer at the link.

Remember to douse the fire in the fireplace tonight!

(Photo: via Reddit)