So much hilarity on Twitter today over the warning by ultra- right wing garbage troll Alex Jones that "the Democrats" would be starting a Second Civil War today (not linking to his tweet!). There are literally thousands of wonderful tweets written in the style of a Ken Burns Civil War combatant's letter home, enough to keep you laughing the rest of the day (the hashtag #secondcivilwarletters has been trending on Twitter all day), but here's just a small sample to whet your appetite:
Dear Ma,— Be Best Bowling Green Victim (@TeamGulley) July 4, 2018
In preparing for tomorrow's battle, we spent the day using Hillary's emails to build our fortress. There is no doubt now that we will be victorious as no one can seem to get over them. Now we covfefe till morning.
Happy Second Civil War Eve!#secondcivilwarletters
Dearest Mother,— WeaponizedHat (@Popehat) July 3, 2018
I have, as you bid me, gone to the war to become a man. The fortunes of that conflict have brought me in contact with the female of the species, as I so fondly hoped. The encounter was not the transport of masculine joy you led me to expect. #secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/8JoAWo1ykj
My Darling,— Brian Hawkins (@bullcitybrian) July 4, 2018
The Red Hats captured Durham, only to be confounded in their occupation by the gender neutral bathrooms. They’d sooner shit themselves than use them, and have begun to do so.
Victory is at hand. #secondcivilwarletters
Our foe confounds us. Though they claim to love both the Constitution and the Bible, they seem to have not read either. And don’t get me started on how they treat people actually named Jesus. #secondcivilwarletters— Paul Wiley (@WileyPaul) July 4, 2018
Dear General Hannity,— Col. Morris Davis (@ColMorrisDavis) July 4, 2018
A battalion of angry women in pink pussy hats has us surrounded. Our supply of deer urine and stink bait is running low and we haven’t had internet contact with Alex Jones in over a week. We’re dumb and desperate! Help!#SecondCivilWarLetters
“Don’t fire until you can see the whites of their robes!” #secondcivilwarletters— Zach Keller (@iufanatic1981) July 4, 2018
I’m on my way to muster in my camouflage uniform. I’ll see you in a few!#secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/PiIxkQmsY9— Octavia (@Octavias_World) July 4, 2018
Dearest Charles, MealTeam6 has infiltrated our camp. They ate many of our supplies, but left the fruits and vegetables. Waiting on reinforcements. #SecondCivilWar #secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/srUHSIJgax— Water Drinker (@GenaRay18) July 4, 2018
And, finally,
Dear Ma and Pa— Squid Would Have an NRA Rating of 'F' (@GhostofFrid) July 4, 2018
I am below 30% with no charger in sight, forcing me to come home and organize for the second tier of the war. Mobilizing voters for the midterms.#secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/zntHqS5VhN
BONUS: Victory may be ours because the dimbulb Red Hats have been distracted and are busy assailing National Public Radio for tweeting out... the Declaration of Independence line by line.
