Satirist Alexandra Petri has her hands on the latest edition of a "Florida- approved dictionary". Here are a few entries:
Free speech: (noun) When you shut up and I talk.
Gun violence: (noun) Simple, unalterable fact of life, like death but unlike taxes.
Immigration: (noun) When someone leaves their country of origin to seek a better life elsewhere; huge insult to the receiving country, to be prevented at all costs.
Independence Day: See Jan. 6.
Jan. 6: (noun) A day when some beautiful, beloved people took a nice, uneventful tour of the U.S. Capitol.
King Jr., Martin Luther: (figure) A man who, as far as we can discern, uttered only one famous quotation ever and it was about how actually anytime you tried to suggest that people were being treated differently based on skin color you were the real racist. Sample sentence: “Dr. King would be enraged at the existence of Black History Month.”
Liberty: (noun) My freedom to choose what you can read (see Moms for Liberty).
Moms for Liberty: (noun) Censors, but the good kind.
Sadly (for him), bumbling Bootsie will never get a chance to "Make America Florida." But as long as he's around, we will always have the chance to "Make Fun of Florida."
