America, Your Free Trial Period Of Democracy Has Reached The End!

 

We're republishing this Alexandra Petri piece in The Atlantic in full because it's the perfect reflection of where we are today, from one of our best satirists:

Apologies!  You Have Reached the End of Your Free Trial Period of America!

Valued users!

We understand that over the past 250-odd years, you have come to rely on the services provided by the U.S. of A.: postal delivery, representative government, edible food, clean water, lifesaving vaccines, and no kings—ever, guaranteed. Well, 250 years of free is enough. Now we demand $TRUMP coin.

Was America perfect before? Hell, no! Some of these features arrived pretty late for some of you, and for that, we used to be sorry.

We were so excited to reach 340 million free users. But now it’s time to streamline our product so that it appeals more to paid subscribers, and that means some changes for everyone else. We are adding a lot of features no one asked for that will make your experience worse and also cost a lot of money! Freedom isn’t free! Nor is it, exactly, the freedom you’ve been used to! Yes, that is the National Guard in your city. We know that you didn’t request it; it’s just a new feature we’re rolling out, possibly for 30 days, possibly for even longer!

You were pretty vocal about what attracted you to America in the first place: personal liberty, economic opportunity, something called the American dream, and, of course, the perennial threat of gun violence. (That last feature developed over time, but it seems that our users are pretty attached? We offered you many opportunities to opt out.) But we knew what was really keeping you here: inertia, and the challenge of finding an alternative that sells decent breakfast burritos. We are banking on that going forward.

We hope the difficulty of switching to another provider will keep you here while we slowly remove all the features that you came for and replace them with AI-generated slop. We are also changing a lot of our graphic design to extract any remaining soul from our product. (We saw how well that went for Cracker Barrel!) This comes with branding updates too! Instead of a Nice, Friendly Place Where You Can Work Hard and Have a Better Life, we’re now That Place With More Than 60,000 People Currently in ICE Detention. Sydney Sweeney’s jeans are running the Department of Homeland Security.

Don’t worry. Our new CEO does hate a large portion of our current user base, but he’s not totally ignorant of the culture here. He is very excited to bring back some things that past users described as “great,” such as Depression, Recession, and White-Shark Attacks. It was also his brilliant idea to add the features of autocracy—State Control of Business, General Encouragement of Groveling, Masked Men Who Yank Your Neighbors Into an Unmarked Van to Whisk Them Off to a Gulag—to our core democratic product.

You heard it right: The government you knew for Weather Data and Medical Research is going all in on Despot Whims. This costs money, so bedrock features such as Separation of Powers, No Troop Quartering, and Due Process are being phased out, even for premium subscribers. We are also getting rid of most of our Health and Science. But you can have a career in ICE.

We are retaining some features for premium users. Want rule of law? That’s premium. The right to run your company without government interference? That’s a paid feature now. An explanation from the Supreme Court as to why it just ruled against you? Maybe!

Why is this happening now? Simple. You all know the classic process of enshittification, as coined by Cory Doctorow, from your experience with the tech products that touch every aspect of your life. First, you have a product that everyone enjoys, and then, when someone decides that that product needs to make a profit, everything about it gets gradually worse and worse until the whole thing is ruined. This is why, whenever you open America’s homepage, an unwanted video starts to play. Instead of the medical recommendation you were looking for, there is a man with one weird trick, whom doctors hate! (He is the health and human services secretary!) All of the articles are now written by AI, except Article I, which has disappeared entirely.

Why are these changes necessary? They aren’t! Can you opt out of them? No! Tariffs, a share of Intel, and a weirdly conciliatory attitude toward Russian President Vladimir Putin are now the default for all users. Also, everything that used to be free now isn’t: speech, assembly, and petition, to name just three. Eggs now cost $800—both because they are very expensive to produce and because we are trying to make the dollar worthless.

What happened to my free press? Sorry! That’s paywalled.

We have gotten rid of the people responsible for making gradual improvements to America, and our new team wants to see exponential profits for shareholders. It’s unclear who these shareholders are, exactly! We thought all of us were, but it might just be our CEO? The executive mansion definitely seems fancier than we remember, and he has a new private plane.

You can still keep using America, and depending on your version, it may remain functional for some length of time. But if you’d like to subscribe to our premium product, there’s no better opportunity than right now! Please hand $5,000,000 in unmarked bills to our CEO. He may spare you.

The enshittification of our 250- year- old democratic republic thanks to the twice- elected Malignant Fascist and his rotted out Republican Party cultists.  Sic transit gloria, America!

QOTD: "Never A Chance Of Anything Different"

Washington Post op-ed writer Alexandra Petri on the false expectations pushed by the Beltway media that the Malignant Loser would be a different man after the assassination attempt on him. They were shocked shocked! that he was the same creature:

"We were told to expect a unifying, chastened Donald Trump at the Republican National Convention. It seemed just barely possible, especially if you had just emerged from a coconut tree, unburdened by what has been. And for about 20 minutes Thursday night, accepting the Republican nomination (Is 'Republican' the correct name still, after the total transformation the party has undergone in his image?), he delivered a very different speech than he ever does, recounting his assassination attempt in Butler, Pa.

Then for the next 70-odd minutes — making this the longest acceptance remarks on record, I believe — he gave the exact speech he always gives. It was as full as ever of hatred toward immigrants, contradictory pronouncements about the state of the economy, accusations of stealing the election, complaints about witch hunts, and misplaced nostalgia for an era I could have sworn was just four years ago and not a newly unearthed Golden Age of Mankind. It mentioned 'the late, great Hannibal Lecter.' If this was indeed a new Trump, he was the same as the old Trump. It was like watching a New Year’s resolution unravel in real time.  [snip]

The [convention] atmosphere is all wrong for [a new Trump]. Here are people wearing your face on their pants, who have dressed their babies like you, who have bandaged their ears in solidarity, who are hanging on your every word. You are being introduced by Hulk Hogan and Kid Rock. Everyone worships the water you walk on, and each evening begins with a video of a spotlight shooting your name into the night sky. Here, you aren’t just God’s chosen; you’re also Batman. Here, why would you want to be anyone other than Trump?

No, there was never a chance of anything different. But you would think we might stop believing there was." (our emphasis)

Indeed, why would Trump think his fiercely loyal cult would want a "moderate" Trump, when they're all in for the xenophobic, racist, misogynist and thoroughly unhinged show he always put on for their entertainment? He feeds their grievances, while they feed on his in a destructive symbiosis. But our broken political media won't stop believing, and falling time and again for his con.

(photo: AP Photo / J. Scott Applewhite)

QOTD -- "Stop The Rule Of Law! Send Money!"

 

Satirist Alexandra Petri lends her mighty pen to the cause of defending the convicted felon and defeating the evil Rule of Law in this fundraising letter (excerpt):

Subject: Donald Trump, Political Prisoner

Dear Fellow American,

THE RULE OF LAW IS OUT OF CONTROL AND MUST BE STOPPED!

Have you heard the news? A so-called JURY OF HIS PEERS (absurd! the man is peerless!) dared to pass judgment on Donald J. Trump as though he were an ORDINARY CITIZEN, SUBJECT TO LAWS, and not the GOD-KING OF AMERICA THAT HE WAS AND SHALL BE!

The corrupt, wicked courthouse even had “EQUAL AND EXACT JUSTICE TO ALL MEN OF WHATEVER STATE OR PERSUASION” carved on the outside! AS THOUGH IT APPLIED TO DONALD J. TRUMP!

IF THIS IS THE WAY WE ARE GOING TO TREAT DONALD TRUMP, WE DON’T DESERVE TO BE A DEMOCRACY! PLEASE DONATE NOW SO THIS CAN STOP!

Juries, acting as if they had the right to pass judgment! Judges, judging! Laws, binding!

WE CAN’T HAVE THAT! WE CAN’T — AND WITH YOUR HELP, WE WON’T!...

Of course, the real fundraising appeals to vacuum money out of the pockets of low- wattage MAGAt suckers and into Trump's legal defense aren't much different than this in tone or level of derangement.  Nor are the un-American attacks on the justice system by Republican MAGAt cult officials, who are vowing "revenge" for having their cult leader being held accountable by 12 jurors acting unanimously after hearing the facts and testimony in his hush money/ cover up trial.  "Speaker" of the House MAGA Mike Johnson, Sen. "Lil Marco" Rubio, Sen. "Cancun Ted" Cruz, et al. -- the termites eating away at our democracy along with the convicted felon.

QOTD -- The Worst State Of The Union Response Ever

 

Satirist Alexandra Petri has her take on Sen. Katie Britt's (Handmaiden-AL) Worst State of the Union Response Ever (sorry, Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio!).  Here's an excerpt:

SWEETIE, please DON’T go in the KITCHEN. I am delivering my State of the Union response!

Fellow MOMS, if you are like me, you lie awake at 2 a.m., wondering how you can BE in three places at once: this KITCHEN, the Senate and the opening monologue of a Purge movie. But you see, we CAN do it, by WHISPERING slowly with an intensity usually reserved for WASP moms trying to prevent their daughters from making a SCENE in the J. Crew fitting rooms. (We’re not LEAVING yet PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.) I am delivering these remarks in a WAY that makes you think this isn’t ACTUALLY my kitchen and I’m not SUPPOSED to BE here, but no one has dared REMOVE me because I am SPEAKING in a TONE that makes the PROSPECT of interrupting me TOO FRIGHTENING!  [snip]

I have another MESSAGE to moms: “GET INTO THE ARENA.” Remember, we are “STEEPED in the BLOOD of PATRIOTS.” “Our DNA contains the same INGENUITY that put MAN on the MOON.” And WOMAN in the KITCHEN. We don’t just have a RENDEZVOUS with DESTINY. We take destiny’s hand and we LEAD It. Though if I were dancing with destiny I would FOLLOW it, obviously. Do not think that I (a woman) am trying to LEAD. I’m in the Senate, but more importantly, I’m in the KITCHEN.

Moms, get into the ARENA. You are soaked in blood. Moms, bring precious life into the world! The American Dream has become a nightmare. I’m in the Senate. I’m in the kitchen. IVF is still legal! Y’all! The CCP is buying land and making TikToks! You can’t make this UP! Here is a laugh! THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS! OUR FUTURE IS RIGHT HERE, IN THE KITCHEN!

No sweetheart, Mommy is almost done!

Oh, yes.  It. Was. That.  Bad.  (See "Tweets" below for more takes.)

She's had her 15 minutes of "fame."  Let's now try to wipe those words/ sounds/ sighs/ facial expressions that run the gamut from fake to phony out of our collective memories.

Nikki Haley Answers More Challenging Questions

 

Courtesy of the Washington Post's great satirist Alexandra Petri:

... “What caused the Civil War?” is just one of a whole host of straightforward questions that no GOP presidential candidate can hope to answer. I have taken the liberty of predicting Haley’s responses to analogous questions. Try this at home and you, too, can enjoy a fun, alarming word salad where “capitalism” and “limited government” are thrown in at intervals, like pecans. Happy 2024!

Who is the current president of the United States?

Capitalism, of course, is so important.

Was it good or bad that a mob descended on the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, yelling “Hang Mike Pence” and trying to prevent certification of the presidential election?

(laughs) Don’t go easy on me! I think the Capitol is certainly, in the hearts of Americans, a place, and capitalism itself is so important. What do you think?

Do the villains in “Star Wars” seem like they’re based on Nazis?

(laughs) Wow, all right! Coming in with a real challenge! So, obviously, freedom is the most important thing. And we keep coming back to that question of, what can the government tell you to do or not do? I think it comes down to capitalism, of course, is good, and we need to do things to make sure that unaccountable bureaucrats aren’t wielding excess power. And stars are wonderful. But most important of all, what role does government play? Are we compensating the contractors who build our Death Stars?

Can you say something bad about the villains in “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” who were clearly Nazis?

Well, I think the villains were basically, you know, any time the free market doesn’t operate to produce maximum freedom.  [snip]

If elected, will you force more people to give birth?

Government overreach is so bad and individual liberty is of course, freedom.

Are you afraid to say that slavery was bad?

Wow, a real doozy! (chuckles) I would never be afraid of freedom. Some things go without saying.

And Donald Trump is not currently president?

Well, of course, capitalism is so important.

There's more from Petri at the link.

Lightweight windsock Haley has fooled many people (looking at you, corporate media types), but time and time again reveals herself as "an altogether uninteresting person" (Benjamin Wittes) who has managed to rise in Republican politics largely based on her novel biography (for Republicans) as a daughter of immigrants from India ("Look at Nikki Haley! See, we're not prejudiced!").  Her transparent strategy has been to temporize and obfuscate in order to win some "independent" voters while not driving away MAGAts.  Instead, her inane word salad answers to fundamental questions of freedom, democracy, and American history demonstrate a shallow cravenness that's in direct proportion to her ambition. Maybe this latest public example of her cowardice and unfitness will finally stick.

(Photo: Haley and her former mentor, "Be still, my tiny heart!" / Mark Wilson, Getty Images)

QOTD -- Apply Now!

 

Satirist Alexandra Petri has her hands on an application form for working in the next Trump administration!  We've selected a few:

1. What is your political philosophy?

(a) “It’s a republic, not a democracy”-anism

(b) Autocracy

(c) Thinking about ancient Rome *wink emoji*  [snip]

5. What do you think of the Constitution?

(a) Big fan of the boat; can take or leave the document

(b) I like the version of it that exists in Leonard Leo’s head

6. When should life begin and end, ideally?

(a) Conception; allowing a beautiful AR-15 to express itself freely in a public space

(b) Conception; doesn’t matter as long as it leaves behind an insupportable burden of medical debt

(c) Conception; of the complications of being forced to carry a nonviable pregnancy to term to delight a group of state legislators  [snip]

14. Racism?

(a) Has never existed

(b) Yes, please!  [snip]

17. What should there be more of and fewer of, respectively?

(a) Book burnings; public schools

(b) Tariffs; elections

(c) Forced births; immigrants

Go to the link for the rest.  Good luck! 

But, while this is offered as humor, there is actually a form that the Malignant Loser's merry band of fascists has put together to screen potential gauleiters.  Let's file that under delusions of grandeur for now.

QOTD -- No Thanks

 

Satirist Alexandra Petri once again punctures a pompous ass's balloon, this time providing an annotated version of the retirement announcement of West Virginny's DINO man of the people Sen. Joe "Maserati" Manchin, who thinks the voice in his head is America clamoring for him to run for president:

Great News (for Republicans)!

I, Joe Manchin, am leaving the Senate (to Mitch McConnell) to go and unite the country (behind Donald Trump)! I have searched my soul (but found no shame), and this is what I must do (to uproot my legacy and leave Washington worse than I found it).

People from both sides of the aisle are crying out for Joe Manchin (to stop). I am the No. 1 candidate in many people’s minds (when those people are both men in suits on a stage In Conversation At A Washington, D.C., Think Tank) when they ask the question: Who can bring the country (club) together?

This is what the American people at large (if “large” is the name of an obscure coal-based lobbying group) have been clamoring for. I must give the people what they want (to avoid).

What I will be doing is traveling the country and speaking out to see whether there is an interest in creating a movement to mobilize the middle and bring Americans together (to elect Donald Trump to a second nonconsecutive term). Because I believe it’s time for bipartisan, common-sense solutions and to gather around our shared values of family, freedom, democracy and dignity. (I am threatening to embark on a quixotic third-party campaign for president that will almost certainly toss our nation into the arms of a would-be despot whose plans for his second term are looking more autocratic by the minute!) Don’t everyone thank me at once...

As with all the potential grievance and/or ego- driven spoilers, we think any appeal to conscience or patriotism would fall on Manchin's deaf ears.  These people have no more use for American democracy than do the Malignant Loser and his MAGAt cult.  We saw what happened in 2000 and in 2016 when enough votes were siphoned away by vanity candidates in critical states;  we got Dubya's Iraq War and the four- year near- apocalypse of the Malignant Loser.  Have we learned anything?  Maybe not.

BONUS:  This.

(Photo: "Maserti" Manchin on his yacht)

QOTD -- Lifestyles Of The Rich And Felonious

 

Satirist Alexandra Petri has another surgical skewering, this time of the corrupt Republican Supreme Court justices =cough= Clarence Thomas Sam Alito =cough=.  She's envious of the luxe lifestyle and the fact that you don't need to know about or follow the law to be a justice.  Here's how she concludes:

... I am going to rethink my life! I thought if you wanted your reality to be jetting from beach to beach and experiencing prime seats at concerts and sporting events, you had to be born a Kardashian or some sort of minor oil baron. I thought you could not also have a day job in D.C. where you got to work in a nice marble building and tell people whether things are legal or not and whether they can be president, or alive.

I thought if I wanted to ride in helicopters and play golf in exclusive venues, I would have to give up my dream of unlimited power over other people’s lives. But now I see I was wrong. I was also wrong about needing to know all those laws and precedents! Anyway, I would like to be a Supreme Court justice now. My only complaint for the current justices, until I can join them, is that if you are going to take all these vacations at the behest of billionaires, I wish you would not also come back from those vacations and take my rights away. Just stay on vacation, I say.

Petri for the Court!

Muscular Men Wept -- The "Real" Arraignment Of Donald Trump

 

Satirist Alexandra Petri provides the alternate reality narrative of how the Malignant Loser must have viewed his arraignment on Thursday.  Here's a snippet:

Donald Trump walked into the courtroom, head held high. It had taken a long time to reach the courtroom because he had to fight his way through a sea of big, strong men who were all crying like babies because of what was being done to him. All the way through the crowd, their hands had clutched at him while they bawled enormous, manly tears, blubbering “Sir” through the sobs.

“Sir,” the strong men wept. “Sir, we have never seen anything like this witch hunt, where people are trying to charge you with crimes just because you attempted to overturn the election! And we are all judges and lawyers, and one of us is even a fireman!” They held one another and sobbed. Several even tore their garments, though Trump was relieved to see that they had extra garments underneath.  [snip]

Outside, millions of people cheered. There were millions of people there, not just a couple-dozen-odd folks, and they were all sobbing and bulging with muscle. They smelled like a milkshake.

“It is all right,” Donald Trump said. He waved his large hand magnanimously, and an eagle landed on it, not startling him even a little bit. “Soon, I will be president again and then we will not have to worry about elections anymore.”...

Petri, a master of the genre, always manages to skewer every pathological tic, every moronic moment, and every revelatory mannerism of the Malignant Loser so well.  You might think it's easy to satirize a buffoonish clown like the Malignant Loser, who essentially writes his own script.  But Petri always takes it to another level. 

QOTD -- Florida Dictionary

 

Satirist Alexandra Petri has her hands on the latest edition of a "Florida- approved dictionary".  Here are a few entries:

Free speech: (noun) When you shut up and I talk.

Gun violence: (noun) Simple, unalterable fact of life, like death but unlike taxes.

Immigration: (noun) When someone leaves their country of origin to seek a better life elsewhere; huge insult to the receiving country, to be prevented at all costs.

Independence Day: See Jan. 6.

Jan. 6: (noun) A day when some beautiful, beloved people took a nice, uneventful tour of the U.S. Capitol.

King Jr., Martin Luther: (figure) A man who, as far as we can discern, uttered only one famous quotation ever and it was about how actually anytime you tried to suggest that people were being treated differently based on skin color you were the real racist. Sample sentence: “Dr. King would be enraged at the existence of Black History Month.”

Liberty: (noun) My freedom to choose what you can read (see Moms for Liberty).

Moms for Liberty: (noun) Censors, but the good kind.

Sadly (for him), bumbling Bootsie will never get a chance to "Make America Florida." But as long as he's around, we will always have the chance to "Make Fun of Florida."

QOTD -- Own Your Own Justice!

 

"... Look at the Supreme Court justices’ robes. All that wasted black space where the names of sponsors could be! Why are we pretending to have an impartial deliberative body when we could be getting rulings from an appropriately emblazoned Samuel Alito ('Brought to you by the Federalist Society') or Brett 'Michelob Ultra' Kavanaugh ('I LIKE BEER!'). And look at those SCOTUS decisions — all that wasted blank space around the margins. Let the sponsors fill it! Or better yet, have them contribute footnotes! Say $10,000 apiece; $15,000 for one with a wry joke in it.   [snip]

"And we, the people, could actually take part in this instead of just watching from the sidelines. Why, millions of us could get together and each put in $5 to sponsor a small fraction of Justice Neil Gorsuch, and perhaps he would allow us to keep control of our uteruses! That would be just great! Or, if everyone with a uterus in the United States throws in three bucks, maybe we can buy a trip for Justice Barrett and Justice Kavanaugh to an emergency room where they can watch a woman suffering a doomed pregnancy go into life-threatening sepsis before receiving medical treatment. Would that help? I don’t know! The point is, we could all be throwing treats at the wall, not just an opaque little group of billionaires who happen to know Leonard Leo. That seems more just to me." --  satirist Alexandra Petri, Washington Post, with a modest proposal on why we should "consider Justice sponsorship" for the Republican Supreme Court.  Since Republicans have made it an ethics- free zone, why not?!

QOTD -- I Am Just A Poor Boy

 

"... I am not above anyone, except in the slight technical sense that I do control what rights you get to have. But you need not worry: I understand you and I am not contemptuously pandering to you: I genuinely think that you drive to Walmart for the delight of it! The simple joy of moving the carts around and putting them back, stopping at the little stop sign, and yelling indistinctly at your children not to run in front of other people’s cars! A classic American vacation!

"So be reassured, my fellow Americans! I am just like you. I am not ruling over you without remembering what life is like for you. I, too, put on my pants one leg at a time — with only the most nominal assistance from my billionaire friend’s butler. Every time I have eaten caviar, it has been with great distaste, as I loudly remarked that it paled in comparison with Dippin’ Dots. All the private jet flights? Well, they lack the comfort and security of a larger plane, and I do not get to watch the charming United preflight video or rejoice in the whimsical Southwest safety announcements, nor partake in the American family pastime of sitting in an airport (that heaven on earth, full of shops and treats!) for hours while my flight is delayed and delayed and then canceled. I am denied such joys. Do you not feel sorry for me, when you hear that?..." -- satirist Alexandra Petri, speaking in the voice of corrupt far- right Republican Supreme Court "Justice" Clarence "Po' Boy" Thomas, skewering his risible claim that he preferred Walmart parking lots to the beach, while for over 20 years he failed to report lavish trips he and his crackpot wife accepted from his Hitler- artifact- collecting sugar daddy, billionaire Republican donor Harlan Crow.  In a more perfect country, this lying, cheating, sexual- harassing hypocrite would never have been put on the Supreme Court, where he will doubtless remain for the rest of his life, making things miserable for as many of us as he can.

Lie-la-lie / Lie-la-lie-lie-lie-lie-lie...

QOTD -- Let The White-Washing Begin!

 

Oxford defines satire as "the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues." So, let's see how Alexandra Petri satirizes the stupidity currently taking hold of the education system in a major American state. She starts by showing us two versions of American history, one honest and one pending approval by Gov. Ron "Bootsie" DeSantis' fascist regime in Florida:

“Rosa Parks showed courage. One day, she rode the bus. She was told to move to a different seat because of the color of her skin. She did not. She did what she believed was right.”

“Rosa Parks showed courage. One day, she rode the bus. She was told to move to a different seat. She did not. She did what she believed was right.”

— Two versions of a first-grade lesson from Studies Weekly, a publisher whose social studies curriculums are currently used in Florida elementary schools. Studies Weekly revised the lesson more than once, omitting any mention of racism or segregation, to submit for a state review of social studies materials.

Petri then gives us her satirical takes on several other historic figures and how they might be sanitized by the racists running the "education" system in Bootsie's Florida (and soon in other Christofascist states):

American history is full of many heroes, whose accomplishments we will have no problem telling you about in the state of Florida! They fought for justice, which was brave of them, if a little redundant, because there was no specific injustice to fight against. Here are just a few of their stories!

Harriet Tubman is considered an inspiring figure by many because she made many trips on foot, often with other people. She specifically led trips from the South to the North, often at night. At night, you can see the stars! It is great to lead trips. She was a hero.

Frederick Douglass was famous, too! We celebrated him during the Trump administration for being someone “who’s done an amazing job” and whose contributions are still being “recognized more and more.” He also gave a noteworthy speech about the Fourth of July. Who doesn’t love the Fourth of July?

John Brown is regarded by some as a heroic figure. Famously, he went to what is now West Virginia (Wild and Wonderful!). He also grew a luxurious beard. Once, he was very excited to visit a weapons arsenal. We support West Virginia tourism!

Abraham Lincoln was a tall man who did something that was a very important thing to do, and especially at that time. He was president during the Civil War, which was fought from 1861 to 1865 between a group of people whom it was universally agreed would make wonderful, handsome statues and some other people who may have had reasons. He even made a proclamation, probably unnecessarily! He famously went to the same play as John Wilkes Booth, a very talented actor who also loved to exercise his Second Amendment rights! It is nice when actors support the Second Amendment. Too often, woke Hollywood doesn’t...

There's more, of course.  

Say it with us:  Sic transit gloria, America.

QOTD -- Our National Gun

 

"... It is just such a relief to know that the people serving in our legislature asked themselves, 'What comfort can we bring to the parents who wonder every day whether this will be the day they get the most horrible call of their lives? What can we do for the children who have to practice active shooter drills in a place they should be able to learn in safety? What are we going to do for the hundreds of thousands of Americans traumatized by unthinkable violence?' and immediately replied, 'We will declare it patriotic!'

"Instead of screaming with terror, we will scream with recognition. That’s our national gun! That’s the one! Of course.

"That way, it won’t feel like a horrible mistake. It will feel, almost, like we’re doing this on purpose." -- satirist Alexandra Petri, writing about the bill (HR 1095), introduced by fascist Republican ammosexuals Reps. Barry Moore (AL), Andrew S. Clyde (GA), Lauren Boebert (CO), and "sick puppy" George Santos (NY), that would make the AR-15 America's national gun.  We wrote about one of those crackpots, Rep. "Bury" Moore, and gun- humping suckers who think this is an effective way to protect their "Second Amendment rights" that they imagine are in imminent, perpetual danger of being taken away (much as the grifting National Rifle Rampage Association and their coin- operated Republican pols have been urgently warning them for decades --"send money now!").  It's a dark irony, though, that our American culture is already de facto branded by its addiction to guns, particularly military- grade weapons like the AR-15 that can efficiently slaughter innocents by the dozen.  We don't need any law to tell us:  it's already our "national gun."

BONUS:  Jimmy Kimmel has a nickname for the four fascist Republicans who introduced the bill.

QOTD -- Embarrassing!

 

"...To those few of you who voted for a Republican in a swing district who made some wild claim about governing or enacting any piece of legislation, we say, 'Whoops! Next time, look at the whole party you’re putting into power when you cast your vote! Because we have a QAnon caucus now!'

"Our party is always yelling that Washington is a broken, dysfunctional mess. What is embarrassing is that you thought we meant we were going to govern to change that. What is embarrassing is that you thought we were going to govern at all."  -- satirist Alexandra Petri in the Washington Post using her Republican voice to tell credulous voters what they got if they voted Republican in November thinking it would act like a party interested in governing.

QOTD -- We'll Fix You Good!

 

"Voters! We are thrilled to see that so many of you are leaning R this fall! And we hear it’s because of … the economy? Wild!

"To our knowledge, we haven’t been saying anything about the economy or offering any kind of exciting plan to fix it! As far as I can see, we’ve just been calling Joe Biden a socialist, fear-mongering about the existence of trans people and suggesting that people who want us to denounce antisemitism are Like '1984,' But Worse!

"That’s why we appreciate your confidence so much! As you clearly have realized, when one thing is going very poorly, you have options! Try to fix it, or just make everything else worse, too! Vote Republican, and we guarantee to do our level best to distract you from the economy by impeaching everyone in government, putting Marjorie Taylor Greene in charge of more things, and, in our spare moments, urging the Supreme Court to eliminate any more rights or protections that might be lying around!" -- satirist Alexandra Petri in the Washington Post, leading off her column expressing thanks from the Republican Party to voters who are focusing on the state of the economy.  Under Republican rule, she concludes, "As you hurtle across state lines in an ambulance on the brink of death, your rights decimated, your vote uncounted, your libraries shuttered — I guarantee the last thing you’ll be thinking about is the economy!" 

 

QOTD -- It Was A Perfect Excuse!

 

"Trump was out playing a round of golf. It was a beautiful spring day and the birds were singing and the grass looked especially verdant, and he was in the best golf form of his life. Unfortunately, there were none of those little cardstock score sheets available. Fortunately, he had some official documents with him, so he decided to keep score on those. When he got the first hole-in-one he was amazed, and when he got the second he was awestruck, and when he went around the entire course in 18 miraculous strokes, he simply could not bear to part with the piece of paper on which he had written down this accomplishment. Well, wouldn’t you know? That piece of paper happened to be a nuclear document!

"Trump was told it was important that these documents stay safe in the right hands because otherwise they might compromise national security, so he has been holding them in his right hand or safe for the past two years." -- Humorist Alexandra Petri, positing two of several excuses for how the Malignant Loser could have innocently ended up with highly classified nuclear weapons documents (allegedly!) at his residence at Mar-a-Lago.

QOTD -- Rights Are For Me, Not For Thee!

The Washington Post's Alexandra Petri turns the Christofascists' Roe argument back on itself in the case of Kavanaugh v. Having My Cake and Eating It Too:

“Politics, regardless of your side or views, should not trample the freedom at play of the right to congregate and eat dinner. There is a time and place for everything. Disturbing the dinner of all of our customers was an act of selfishness and void of decency.” — Statement from Morton’s, after protesters gathered outside the D.C. steakhouse while Supreme Court Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh ate there.

Oh, this is embarrassing! The right to congregate and eat dinner is actually not to be found anywhere in the Constitution. I have been studying the Constitution very carefully, including the emanations of the penumbras, and I can see why people might think there was some inherent right to dinner. Eating seems so fundamental: Whether or not you want to have steak inside yourself seems like something you ought to be able to determine on your own behalf. Eating and chewing, alone or in the company of others, feels as though it ought to be up to the person most affected, and protected from abridgment of any kind, even by the states.  [snip]

[Kavanaugh] might want his old freedom back, or ask for someone to escort him through the gantlet of protesters who want him to feel bad about his choices, which after all don’t affect anyone other than millions of people whose lives are going to be fundamentally changed and whom he is consigning to a status lower than that of full person with the bodily autonomy and right to direct their lives that this entails.

He might say, “This is a horrible constraint to put on me! I am just trying to live my life, with my family, according to my own lights! I just want to have dinner, like a person!” And I sympathize! I would love to find that this was a right. But there is no right, however seemingly basic, that cannot vanish away like a ghostly mist the second someone remembers that there might be a medieval text, somewhere, out there that disagrees. And the Bible. And the beans. I’m sorry! My hands are tied.

You'd be surprised how many rights are not specified in the 18th and 19th century Constitution (but we're about to find out).  In the meantime, bon appetit, Kavanaugh!

BONUS:  Bingo --

A reminder that SCOTUS struck down a MA law that created buffer zones around clinics to protect people from angry protestors. Scalia: "Protecting ppl from speech they don't want to hear is not a function of the 1st Amendment." https://t.co/XrTS1cYDUW

— Celeste Headlee (@CelesteHeadlee) July 8, 2022

 

 

QOTD -- Back-stabbing Democracy (Cont.)

 

"Fellow Americans, America is diseased. But I, Kyrsten Sinema (Imperturbably Seated at the Exact Midpoint Between The Aisles-Ariz.) have figured out the problem, and I have also identified a solution.

"Things seem very divided. Issues that did not used to be partisan issues, such as “Is this person qualified to be a Supreme Court justice?” and “Voting?” have become so. Everything is very, very bad, worse than ever.

"But I realized what we need to do! Listen.

"Listening is the answer.  [snip]

"It is easy to talk (why the filibuster is so great!). But it is harder to listen. We have got to listen to what voters want. I know that one way of hearing what voters want might be 'allowing them to express themselves by voting.'  But I think listening would be better." -- Alexandra Petri, expertly satirizing the inane rationales of the flake from Arizona for placing a higher value on a Jim Crow Senate rule than the right to vote for millions of Americans.  Check out the full piece.

Then, there's this --

 

MORE: Sinema has told the White House about a possible floor speech, per Senate source, adding "Sinema is having Joe Biden for lunch." https://t.co/gKPflKBoV2

— Tara Palmeri (@tarapalmeri) January 13, 2022

Someday in the not too distant future, it's our fervent wish that President Biden return the favor and have the flake for lunch (not to mention her partner in infamy Maserati Manchin).

The "Trump Card" Benefits

We noted the other day that the latest fundraising scam from the malignant former guy's "Save America" PAC was sending out "Trump cards" in exchange for a contribution.  Well, leave it to Alexandra Petri to answer your questions about the card's benefits (just a snippet):

What can I use my Trump Card for?

Winning!

Winning what?

Winning!

If I play my Trump Card in a game, do I automatically win the game?

Absolutely not, but it will allow you to say that the game was rigged against you and call the entire premise of the game into question. This is what is meant by winning.

What benefits do I get with my Trump Card?

A Trump Card!

Can I use my Trump Card to pay for things?

You can certainly try! Then when it isn’t accepted as a form of payment on the grounds that it is “some random card that has Donald Trump’s signature on it and a creepy picture of an eagle, not a valid credit card,” you can complain that you are being discriminated against for your political beliefs and create lots of problems.

The eagle looks kind of . . . Third Reich-y?

This is a simple misunderstanding! Just one of a series of isolated, totally spontaneous Trump-adjacent design mistakes that have been happening consistently without fail for the past five years!

One of the four designs for the card misspells the word “official.” Is the typo intentional?

The typo is proof of your card’s authenticity!

There's more at the link.

How much of a sad sack moron, and how deep into the cult of the sickest, most corrupt, authoritarian "president" in our history do you have to be to shell out $20 or $30 dollars for this Nazi- adjacent shit?  (Rhetorical question.)

It's o.k. to laugh, just as long as we crush this sick cult at every opportunity.