Satirist James Klein tells us who he's voting for:
It’s time to decide who will govern our people. We’ve been hit with higher-than-normal inflation and seen costs for basic commodities rise. That’s why I’m voting for Gork the Merciless to plunder our village.
Gork has promised to slaughter our families, sell our children, burn our houses, steal our land, and enslave our people for generations, but milk prices went up, and even though they’re starting to come down, we might as well see whether Gork’s warlord approach is better for the economy.
Gork the Merciless isn’t bought and sold by any political party. He isn’t beholden to special interests and doesn’t accept contributions or government handouts. He’s a successful, self-made entrepreneur who amassed his fortune by stripping his victims of their belongings. He’s a true outsider—in as much as his forces are massed outside our gates, waiting for voters to endorse his plan to annihilate us.
You know what we don’t need? Another career politician. Gork’s opponent, Duncan the Reasonable, only wants to be competent enough to keep his job. It’s time we give the position to an unaccountable tyrant who destroys a village and then moves on to the next—before he’s corrupted by the Deep State.
Instead of supporting the same old status-quo politician who shepherded our village through two wars, three plagues, and five natural disasters, I’m voting for an unpredictable murderer whose scorched-earth policies will bring real change.
What I’m saying is we need new blood—even if it’s our new blood, spilled on the ground...
Ah, civilization. It was good to know ye!
