Showing posts with label the Onion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the Onion. Show all posts

Thursday, September 30, 2021

"Impossible Position": Get Vaccinated Or Lose Job And Die (Satire)


Republished in full from The Onion:


Nurse Carefully Weighs Whether She Better Off Getting Vaccine Or Losing Job And Dying

UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the plus side, if get vaccinated, I could get to continue to live my life healthy and happy with no drawbacks, but is that really worth giving up the right to die while out of work?” said the healthcare worker, who had spent the past weeks agonizing over a long list of pros and cons of getting vaccinated that she had written up for each side of the issue. “On one hand, I have way more items listed under the pros column, like ‘keep job,’ ‘protect others,’ and ‘protect myself,’ but on the other, I have ‘freedom’ written in big red letters, circled, and underlined multiple times. I’m pretty torn between the two. Who would issue such a cruel ultimatum?” At press time, Wood assured herself that regardless of the choice she ultimately made, she would wind up back in the hospital. 

If that piece of satire doesn't nail the "dilemma" brought on themselves by the "vaccine hesitant" and by hardcore anti- vaxxer/Trumpist resisters facing termination from their jobs (and, potentially, their lives), we're not sure what does.  (h/t Silver Spring Bureau Chief Brian)


Monday, September 23, 2019

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Tweet Of The Day -- Fool Mental Jackass





Monday, July 2, 2018

Monday Reading


As always, please go to the links for the full articles/ op eds.

The Capital Gazette, the Annapolis, MD, newspaper that lost five journalists in a shooting rampage last week won't forget:
We will never forget Rob Hiaasen, Gerald Fischman, Wendi Winters, John McNamara or Rebecca Smith, our five co-workers who were gunned down in a senseless attack. [snip] 
Here’s what else we won’t forget: Death threats and emails from people we don’t know celebrating our loss, or the people who called for one of our reporters to get fired because she got angry and cursed on national television after witnessing her friends getting shot. 
We won’t forget being called an enemy of the people. 
No, we won’t forget that. Because exposing evil, shining light on wrongs and fighting injustice is what we do.
There's a ton of evil, wrongs and injustice all around -- that's why we need a free press to stand up and be a witness.

Speaking of evil, you may have seen the tweet sent by spineless, NRA coin- operated Sen. Marco "Li'l Marco" Rubio (R- Elevator Shoes) in response to the Capital Gazette reporter's dropping of the f-bomb:

Creature who takes $3 million to protect the NRA's interests while routinely spouting "Scripture" in his tweets is offended by...  a word.  This is the best response to that little charlatan that we've seen:

Speaking of naughty language, we have new rules for civility, first from The Onion (h/t Silver Spring Bureau Chief Brian):
Avoid unkind generalizations like equating the jailing of ethnic minorities with some malevolent form of fascism...
Recall that violently rejecting a tyrannical government goes against everything our forefathers believed in... 
Make sure any protests are peaceful, silent, and completely out of sight of anyone who could actually affect government policy... 
Give your political opponents the benefit of the doubt by letting this play out for 20 years and seeing if it gets any better on its own... 
Realize that every pressing social issue is solved through civil discourse if you ignore virtually all of human history...
Now from Alexandra Petri (whose Washington Post editorial board published an egregiously ahistorical defense of "civility" recently) a tour de force of new rules for civility.  Here's just a few of many excellent points:
When marching with a torch in support of white supremacy, be certain not to take up too much of the sidewalk, and give the space on the side nearest the wall to him who you wish to honor... 
Children whose peers have recently been murdered due to gun violence ought always to show deference to conservative media personalities, who are, after all, their elders...
It is polite to give up your seat to a judge selected by Donald Trump, especially if you are Merrick Garland...
Asparagus may be eaten with the fingers, unless you are in Puerto Rico and no longer receiving food assistance... 
Women ought to be addressed with respect. “Crooked Hillary” is rude. It is “Madam Crooked Hillary,” or “Miss Mika Brzezinski, Bleeding Badly From A Facelift.”...
It is rude to address people as “animals,” unless you are the president...
It is rude to say “infest” when speaking of people, unless you are the president... 
T-shirts that read “TRUMP 2020: F*** Your Feelings” are wildly inappropriate. Instead, embroider this sentiment on a sensible button-down or, better yet, print it on a tie.
It's one of Petri's best ever; it's the editorial the Post should've written.  Lessons maybe some of our Democratic "leaders" would do well to absorb.

Vox's Sean Illing interviews Roosevelt University political scientist David Faris about his new book, "It's Time To Fight Dirty."  Here is some of what Faris says in the interview about the procedural war Republicans have been waging:
... [N]o policy platform is going to win three or four consecutive national elections for Democrats because we know policy isn’t what decides elections; that’s not how most voters make decisions. 
So there are no policy changes that are going to reverse the overall trajectory that this society is on right now. We have to address some of the structural barriers to progressive power in this country, and we need to take those things as seriously as we do the policy fights within the party. [snip] 
We’re in the midst of a slow-motion unraveling of democracy in this country. If we don’t return the favor with some of this procedural war stuff, the only other option is to continue watching the other side do it. That’s not an acceptable option in my opinion. 
I don’t think we can restore order by respecting rules that are not respected by Republicans. I do believe we’ll have to find a way to end this procedural war at some point, but now is not that time. Republicans need to know what it’s like to be on the other end of normative violations. The Republicans are behaving like a party that believes it will never be held accountable for anything they’re doing, and so far they haven’t been. 
That has to change before we can fix this mess. 
Some of Faris' prescriptions for returning the favor might be categorized as spitballing, but it's an important starting point for discussion and action.

Finally, Infidel 753 has again assembled his link round- up to cover all the ground (and air and water) that we rarely get to here.  It's our favorite stop for a spin through the internet.

Monday, May 22, 2017

The Onion Releases "Classified Trump Documents"


The Onion has some "purloined documents" from "the White House" via a "whistleblower." These are among our favorite "documents" -- the "President's Daily Brief" (click on images to enlarge):




(h/t Silver Spring Bureau Chief and blog musical curator Brian)

Monday, April 3, 2017

The Devil And Mrs. Butterworth




The, um, unusual understanding between (no)Vice President Mike "Dense" Pence and his wife (whom he calls "mother" -- paging Dr. Freud, paging Dr. Freud!) concerning avoiding opposite sex Temptation at all costs has reached an absurd level, if you can trust The Onion's reporting (of course you can!):
Expressing concerns about the propriety of being left alone with a syrup container of the opposite sex, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly asked his waiter Thursday to remove Mrs. Butterworth from the table until his wife arrived to join him at a local diner. “Excuse me, sir, would you please take this out of my line of sight until my wife gets here?” said Pence, who reportedly attempted to put the table’s sugar dispenser and salt and pepper shakers between him and the feminine syrup bottle before deciding that even having Mrs. Butterworth within arm’s reach could lead him to have impure thoughts. “It just would not be right for me to sit here alone with a woman-shaped container, particularly one as shapely as this. In fact, I would advise you to do the same for the man sitting over there—I see he is sitting very close to Mrs. Butterworth even though he appears to be wearing a wedding ring.” At press time, Pence had asked the waiter to pour syrup on his pancakes for him, as it would be unseemly to handle the curves of the plastic woman in such a public place.
Whatever you do, Mr. Pence, don't listen to this video (at least not without your wife mother):



(Image:  VP Pence averting his eyes from the woman-shaped container of Mrs. Butterworth. "Help! Mother!")

Monday, February 13, 2017

Intelligence Briefings? "The President Likes Maps"


Can you spot the oxymoron:  "Trump intelligence briefing"?  Good.

From the New York Times, via Steve Benen:
[W]hile Mr. Obama liked policy option papers that were three to six single-spaced pages, council staff members are now being told to keep papers to a single page, with lots of graphics and maps. 
The president likes maps,” one official said. (our emphasis)
And "lots of graphics!" So, appropriately enough, he likes his briefings in the form of a game of "Risk."

If only this was part of an SNL skit.  But this nitwit is neo- fascist manbaby Donald "Rump" Trump, the man with the "nuclear football" at his fingertips (or is it?).  The Onion satirically (?) takes it from there:
Telling reporters they were working hard to provide important national security updates to the new commander-in-chief in a manner he found most useful and actionable, intelligence officials confirmed Monday they have been struggling to condense President Donald Trump’s briefings down to a single word. “The president prefers his briefs to be concise and straightforward, preferably no longer than two or three syllables, so we’re now focusing on compressing each day’s classified intel and any intercepted geopolitical chatter down to the sole most salient word,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland...  (our emphasis)
Which is all not so surprising given that we're talking about a person who can get his deepest thoughts into a 140 character tweet.

Monday, January 11, 2016

"What You Need To Know" About The Jamokes Holed Up In Oregon (UPDATED)


Recently, the Onion provided some helpful information as to what we need to know about the right- wing domestic terrorists jamokes holed up at the Malheur federal wildlife refuge in Oregon.  Here's a snippet (h/t Silver Spring Bureau Chief Brian - TCIITM):
Are the protesters violent?

They have vowed to only seek a peaceful overthrow of the entire U.S. federal government.
 
How long are they planning to stay?
As long as their supply of whiskey and bison chili lasts.
 

What is the militia ultimately hoping to achieve?

Garner enough attention over next few weeks to be brought onstage during rally for a low-polling GOP candidate.
 

Is the protest going to work?

Nope.
Amusing now, maybe not so later.

UPDATE:  Here's the list of supplies the jamokes have requested, misspellings and all. Clearly, this was a well- planned operation ("Boxer briefs - Medium/ Large /and Extra Large"?!) We kid you not!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

That'll Leave A Mark….


Recent breaches of security at the White House -- including one man who jumped the fence on Pennsylvania Avenue and made it to the front door -- has the Secret Service scrambling to beef up security. In the meantime, The Onion has a behind-the-scenes report on how the President is playing his part.  (By the way, below is a picture of the gentleman mentioned at the end of the story).


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Ripped From the Headlines


The Onion has today's food for thought:

Sonny Corleone Would Still Be Alive Today If He Had E-ZPass

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Headline of the Week

Commentary by "Senator Harry Reid", from The Onion, of course:

The Time For Watered-Down And Effectively Meaningless Gun Laws Is Now
COMMENTARY • Opinion • ISSUE 49•12 • Mar 20, 2013
By Senator Harry Reid (D-NV)

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Breaking News From The Onion

The Rethugs' new dynamic duo says they're on the same page concerning their approaches to Medicare and the budget, but you can't tell from what they're saying. Well-lubricated weathervane Willard "Etch-A-Sketch" Romney recently said he didn't embrace every detail of his running mate's reactionary budget proposal, but couldn't identify any differences with his own proposal. Willard, of course, earlier called extremist Paul "Brown Nose" Ryan's budget "marvelous", but now wants to distance himself from it but doesn't know quite how. That would indicate they haven't sorted out which lies to tell about their real plans yet.

In this confusing environment, maybe we'll see Brown Nose attacking Willard's record as Governor....oh, wait, The Onion already has the story.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Onion Headline of the Week

This is mostly for Washington Redskins fans (we're not really, ever since Li'l Danny Snyder took over), from The Onion about the past and future Redskins quarterbacks:
Rex Grossman Happy To Take An Afternoon To Teach Robert Griffin III Everything He Knows

This headline also has potential application in politics. For example:
Willard Romney Happy To Take A Minute To Teach President Obama Everything He Knows About Job Creation

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

It's a Wildfire! Pass the Tax Cuts!


O.K., it's satire, but oh so close to teahadist/ Rethuglican Reality (see "Cantor, Rep. Eric "Can't"):
"With a massive wildfire currently raging out of control in his district, Tea Party Caucus member Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ) pressed Congress to pass immediate tax breaks Tuesday to combat the rapidly spreading blaze. 'This fire has already burned hundreds of square miles and left thousands of helpless families with only one hope: across-the-board income tax cuts and a sharply lower corporate tax rate,' said Franks, stating that broad-based tax relief would spur investment and extinguish the towering flames that grow larger by the minute. 'We must act now. The longer the oppressive tax burden on honest, hardworking individuals remains unaddressed, the larger and more deadly this fire will become.' According to staffers, Franks plans to honor the nine individuals who have perished in the blaze by introducing additional legislation this week that would eliminate Medicaid."

(h/t Daily Kos)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Headline of the Week

From The Onion:
Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal A Prime Example Of Democrats And Democrats Sacrificing For The Greater Good

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Aargh! My Reputation!!


The Onion explains how the phone hacking scandal may have damaged right-wing media pirate Rupert "Aargh!" Murdoch's pristine reputation.

What's left for a man that had nothing to begin with?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Comic Relief

America elects the first (not really) openly drunk Senator, "Dave Tillis." He sounds like a Rethuglican, so he'd be forgiven, celebrated -- and re-elected. From the Onion News Network.


Nation Elects First Openly Drunk Senator

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Storms Hit D.C. Area

Powerful storms hit the D.C. area a few days ago, resulting in widespread --and continuing-- power outages. One family was particularly hard hit.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

It's Joe Time

The Onion has the report:


Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads

Wait a minute. Oh my God, is that Michelle Malkin with the Joe Man???